Releasing the Guilt

Facebook memories are sometimes very bittersweet. Most of the time, it reminds me of very happy times, like birthday parties and vacations or funny moments with my cats. All moments that I love to relieve and make me smile. Then, there are the memories that made me sad, bringing tears and opening up wounds that I thought were closed. Yesterday was one of those times. Facebook memories reminded me that yesterday was the day, 2 years ago, that I brought my Monti Boi to the vet because he was very sick. Last year, when that memory came up, it brought tears, and all of the sadness and guilt came flooding back. This year, I was sad, but I noticed I didn’t have that immense guilt. Over the past year, I have been working on releasing the guilt. And it has made a huge difference in my relationships with my current cats.

Feeding the Guilt

We are all familiar with guilt. The thoughts that we didn’t do enough. That there was probably something more that we could have done. Sadly, it is human nature to deal with guilt on some level at some point. Feeling guilty comes very easy. Realizing that guilt takes work and time. It has taken me months to not only realize the source of my guilt, but to be able to work through it. Monti had advanced kidney disease at the young age of 4. It was a huge shock. A young cat does not die from kidney disease. Sadly, they do. Especially, when the odds are stacked against them. For Monti, it was a combination of overvaccination and a diet of kibble. Basically, I was the reason that my sweet boy died so early.

Once I made the connection between the choices that I had been making for my cats and Monti’s sickness, the guilt took over. I have always tried to do the best for my cats. Now, what I thought was doing right actually turned out to be completely wrong and that nearly killed me. For well over a year, I dealt with that immense sense of guilt and all of the “coulda”, “shoulda”, and “woulda” that accompanies guilt. It was horrible and I started noticing that this always present guilt was affecting my relationship with my current cats. When you deal with sadness and guilt, you begin to have stress. This stress will affect your cats. Then, they start to demonstrate signs of illness. Which leads to more guilt and stress. Such a vicious cycle.

Working Through the Guilt

Finally, I realized that holding onto this guilt was not doing anyone any good. I needed to find a way to work through it. I was living in the past and forcing my present cats to live there with me. Not fair to anyone involved. And certainly not healthy. Releasing the guilt that I had was crucial, but how. Luckily, I have some amazing people and resources in my life. My first step to releasing the guilt came when I started taking a Cat Chakra course with Juile-Anne Thorne from Naturally Cats. It was during this course that I learned how to get out of my head space and into my heart space. Guilt lives and thrives in our head space. it is where all the doubt and questions fester. When I stopped listening to my head and leaned into my heart, the guilt started to lessen. Everything that I have ever done for my cats has been done with love and the best possible intentions.

After the Cat Chakra course ended, I continued to work on releasing the guilt through journaling and meditations. There was still a lot of work to do. I didn’t realize just how much guilt I was holding onto. It wasn’t until I started Sylvie Sterling’s “Your Cat – Your Guide” course that I realized the reasoning behind it all. Monti had a purpose in my life. He had a job to do in this life. One that, know looking back, he succeeded in. His passing set me on the path of providing a better quality of life for my cats. Which, in turn, started me on the path of The Dedicated Feline Enthusiast. This realization helped me to work through my grief with leaps and bounds.

A Purposeful Guilt

Now, I am not saying that all the guilt has magically disappeared. There is still some lingering. However, I have now given this guilt a purpose. Any remaining guilt that I feel, I allow it to drive me. Push me to always do better for my cats. To keep learning and discovering ways to improve their lives in all aspects. Yesterday, when I saw that Facebook memory about Monti, there were some tears. But there was not the immense guilt that I felt a year ago. That guilt was replaced with happy thoughts and an overwhelming sense of pride that I am carrying on his memory in ways that will help so many other cats.

“The memories and paw print of a beloved cat remains in our heart and soul forever.” – Unknown