Releasing The Guilt

August of 2021 was quite possibly one of the hardest days of my life. It was the day that I said goodbye to my Soul Cat, Monti. Monti was only 4 years old when he was diagnosed with kidney disease. For over a month, I spared no cost to try to save my beloved Monti Boi. Finally, he let me know that he was tired of fighting and was ready to cross. It was so hard to say goodbye on that day. What was even harder was the guilt that followed. For years, I struggled with the thoughts that I could have done something more or that I was the reason that he got sick in the first place. Over the past few months, I have been working on releasing the guilt and finding a purpose and peace in Monti’s crossing.

Monti’s Soul Contract

Over the past couple of years, I have been journeying down a path of renewed spirituality, especially in regard to my cats and their purpose in my life. The more I travel down this path and learn about my connection with my cats, the more things become clearer to me. Monti had a soul contract with me. And though our time together was short, it was filled with so many lessons. I learned so much from him, especially during our final weeks together. Not surprisingly, Monti still has lessons for me to learn almost four years later.

Monti was the catalyst to everything I do now for my cats. He was the reason that I started down the path of a holistic approach with my cats. Monti’s sickness caused a domino effect. I started with animal reiki certification. Moved to learning about Cat Chakras and how energy affects our cats. That led me learning how to use herbs, hydrosols, and crystals with my cats. And now, finally, working towards my certification as a Holistic Cat Practitioner. Through it all, I felt Monti’s presence guiding me along. However, I mistook that guidance as guilt. And that guilt was stopping me from fully embracing my path and the skills that I was acquiring. It was time to release the guilt.

Monti’s Constant Presence

Two years ago, I trapped two little kittens at my school’s cafeteria. I brought them home with every intention of just fostering them until they were ready to find their forever homes. From the moment that I saw Lily, I felt a sense of familiarity with her. I brushed it off as my obsession with black cats. The more time I spent with her, the more it felt like I knew her. There was something about her that I recognized. She had these little quirks that reminded me of Monti. I wasn’t sure why, but I saw Monti when I looked at her.

Fast forward two years, and I now know that Monti did indeed send Lily to me. He knew that I needed a way to release my guilt over him. Lily is my Joybringer. She has this uncanny ability to put a smile on my face and joy in my heart. And always at the moments when I need it the most and exactly what Monti knew I needed. In our most recent HCP class, we learned about Soul Fragments. It was an amazingly insightful class. I learned that not only did Monti send Lily to me, but that he occasionally does “walk-ins”. At times when I need to take a moment to slow down and breathe. Or when I need to lighten up and laugh. During those moments, I catch a glimpse of Monti looking at me through Lily’s eyes and know that he is still with me, guiding me along.

Less Guilt, More Joy

It has taken me so much time to finally get to the point where I am not racked with guilt when I think about Monti. Working through my guilt has not only allowed me to advance along my intended path, but also has allowed Monti to continue with his purpose in spirit. A good friend reminded me that by holding onto my guilt was in turn stopping Monti from continuing with his purpose and maybe even a new soul contract with me. Over the past few days, filled with tears as I shifted a lot of emotions and released a tremendous amount of guilt. I am not saying that it is all released, but I do know that I was able to write this article without crying and that is a huge step. And not surprising, but Lily was curled up on my lap the entire time.

“I have felt cats rubbing their faces against mine and touching my cheek with claws carefully sheathed. These things, to me, are expressions of love.” – James Herriot